How I wish to retract my body and my mind until they swallow themselves. I dream of being capable of commanding invisibility, of sheltering my exposed consciousness from the outside. My exterior that can be so strong, so solid, seems to leave me at times, leaving unprotected my brain, my lungs, my muscles, my veins. A glimpse into my interior seems to leave me wounded, violent. Angry at whatever leaves it open to be viewed by others. I have yet to master the art of camouflage. Maybe instead of my exterior betraying me, my interior seeps out, leaving me exposed again and again. Susceptible to arrows that can pierce me no matter how far I run. While I live, I want desperately to keep myself in.
But when I go, I want to expand. I dream of stretching until I take up every molecule and fill every pore of the earth. I become like a gas filling in every crack. I cover my loved ones and strangers and bits of who I once was flow deep into the broken bits of others. A yellow light bursts from my chest as I split apart and become all of it. My nervous consciousness, my sticky emotions, my bright optimism, all gone. All have become my surroundings, and my spirit is infused in everything.